Have You Seen Steven Seagal Lately? He's A Russian Citizen Now And His Brain Seems To Have Melted

When I started watching this interview, I didn’t expect to finish it. But as it continued, I became invested in this highlight reel of delusion and brain disease. Steven Seagal has NO IDEA what planet he’s on, what country he belongs to, or where he stands with his beliefs. From that initial, “good morning brother, how are you?”, I knew we were off to the races. The interview was such a struggle for him. You can hear him kinda grunting before the start of each sentence, like he’s kicking an old horse into gear. Just a monumental effort required for him to put words together.

On his budding friendship with Putin:

“Him and I started becoming friends over the martial arts.”

Ignoring the nails-on-chalkboard misuse of pronouns, Does Steven Seagal know karate? Yes. But if you’re the stone-cold leader of Russia, should Steven Seagal be your go-to correspondent for all things martial arts? No, probably not. That would be like me becoming friends with Gary Busey over philosophy. There may have been a time when his theories were semi-lucid, but that train left the rails long ago.

On the flag:

“I respect the American flag. I myself have risked my life countless times for the American flag.”

Oh yeah, Steve? Dude, you just became a citizen of Russia. It’s not exactly North Korea or an ISIS-stronghold country, but it’s not Bermuda either. And what exactly do you mean you risked your life countless times for the flag? Do you mean in the movies? Because that’s not real, Steven. Something tells me he watches his movies now and thinks they’re documentaries.

And the moment we realized that Steven Seagal had gone full-native? His pronunciation of Vladimir Putin at 3:15. Holy fucking shit. This guy was groaning and wheezing through the interview and then he STICKS that Russian pronunciation like a little 16-year-old Russian gymnast, dismounting from the uneven bars before heading for hugs from teammates and her reward: a bowl of porridge under the bleachers.

But hands down, my favorite moment is when he tells Piers Morgan about his latest movie –”I just finished a movie called attrition”– and then gives this look:

That is the look of a man who knows the movie is a complete and utter piece of shit. He clearly just saw the first cut and was like, fuck… I need to move to Russia. His synopsis:

“It’s a movie about human trafficking. It’s a movie about kung-fu.”

Great! Two complementary themes that Hollywood producers so rarely combine. Count me in, Steve. Just point me in the right direction because the odds of anyone finding this movie ANYWHERE–whether it’s on TV or in a pile of discarded DVDs at your grandma’s yard sale–are zero.